The Space In Between Projects

The hardest part of being an artist that nobody talks about.

I’m in an in-between season right now and I hate to admit that I’m finding it really fucking uncomfortable.

I went on holiday for ten days right at the end of May and into the beginning of June. I’ve only actually been back home for ten days, which is wild because it feels like it’s been a lot longer. Naturally, when you take a break you wrap everything up, I’d gotten to a natural stopping point and I’d consciously not made any plans or started anything new, because taking a break often alters your perspective on things. I wanted to come back to a fresh slate.

I got what I wanted. Since I’ve been back I’ve had no scenic work booked in and no plans for what to do in my art business. I feel like this should be exciting, I have the space to do whatever I’d like, to choose which direction I want to go in, time to decide what sort of business I’d like to build. I’ve always said how much I value freedom, now I have it.

So why am I feeling completely paralysed and overwhelmed?

I’ve always hated the beginning of a project. It looks like you’re not doing anything, it looks like a lot of thinking, a lot of soaking up inspiration, making some really dodgy sketchbook work whilst you figure things out. I know that whilst it doesn’t look like I’m doing much I’m actually doing a lot of thinking, processing and deciding, all of which take monumental effort. Something that is very easy to forget when you end the day feeling exhausted but uncertain of what you’ve actually produced.

I have a whole big list of ideas, which are actually jotted down in about three different places and a feeling that I’m already slipping behind. Whilst I have no scenic work I should be smashing my to do list and getting loads done right?! In reality today I’ve had a lay in, taken the dog for a nice walk, done one business call, sent two emails and had an extended lunch whilst I watch an episode of Sweet Magnolias on Netflix. Writing this post is the first big task that I’ve tackled today and trust me, I’ve spent at least fifteen minutes staring at a blank screen.

I feel like I’ve taken a break and instead of coming back feeling refreshed and ready to smash my goals I’ve come back to a whole bucketload of uncertainty. I’m not sure where to put my focus, I don’t know what’s going to work for me and I feel untethered in a way that doesn’t feel safe.

Normally, being an artist means seeing the tangible progress of a painting. But the beginning of a project is different, it’s a slow circling of the same ideas. It feels like you’re not really getting anywhere and requires you to ask yourself hard questions whilst trying to instinctively feel into the answers. The beginning of a project is all about uncertainty and faith. Uncertainty over where you’re going and faith that you’ve been here before, that you will find the answers somewhere along the way if you just keep at it.

Logically, I know that I need to make some decisions. To sit down and start to plan my next six months of business. I have been doing that work in small chunks over the last few days, but it feels big and scary at the moment. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I spend the next six months working on something that doesn’t sell? What if I’m really wasting my time and should go and find a “real” job? These are all risks that we take as creative business owners, there are no guarantees. This is where the faith has to come in, unfortunately for me, I’ve always struggled with keeping the faith.

Faith is what was stamped out of me as a child when the adults in my life told me that being an artist was a bad idea. I’m often full of doubt and scared that those adults in my life were right, that being an artist is simply too difficult for me. I’m actively trying to build the muscle that allows me to trust the process, particularly at the beginning of a project. But rewiring your brain with affirmations and positive evidence gathering takes time.

For now all I can do is take things one step at a time. I don’t need to have all the answers yet otherwise there wouldn’t be a project to do at all. The only way to find out if you’re heading in the right direction is to start moving so I plan to surrender the need to have all the answers upfront and just move, one step at a time, whilst trusting that the path will unfold as I go.

This season of my life is asking me to trust both myself and the process. Which is probably why I’m finding it particularly uncomfortable.