Fuck being Delusional.
One of my most potent (and maybe unpopular) opinions.
This post is late. Let’s just say it how it is, I’m annoyed because I feel rushed before I even sit down to write. I’m annoyed because I have no real “good” excuse, I simply failed to make time until right now.
But I’m here. I have 20 minutes until a class I want to attend and snatching this time for my writing whilst I have an 11 week old puppy feels like a win. Tilly is the light of my life, she’s bringing me so much joy but I am also tired and struggling to find time for the things that used to feel easy to me. All my regular habits that I’ve built are in tatters on the floor as I adjust to having a living thing rely on me.
Having a puppy and being tired also means I have no real brain space right now, EVERYTHING feels hard to focus on. So I’ve pulled out a question from the “bank of ideas” that I’m SO PLEASED past me decided to write down. My question is…
Delusional or Ambitious? Is it helpful to call our big dreams delusional?
It’s no secret that I have big ambitions and dreams for myself and my future. Maybe that’s a privilege of being in my twenties? I love living in the possibilities of what my life could become. I was an over achiever at school and that feeling of “I should be able to achieve more” follows me around in adulthood.
Now, we all know that the idea of being “Delulu” is on trend right now. It feels like all the internet says to me at the moment is that I need to simply believe more. I need to be able to fake it until I make it. That I need to speak with authority. That I am more likely to get to where I want to be by citing affirmations daily, by brainwashing myself into believing that the reality I desire is possible to me. That the more delusional I become the more likely I am to be successful.
This kind of speak isn’t necessarily new, I think I heard people tell me to “fake it until I make it” regularly at school and university. I vividly remember a professional scenic artist tell me (a uni student at the time) to just take whatever job I could get and work out how to do it afterwards. But it feels so much more prevalent now, and honestly the idea of being delusional makes me feel uncomfortable.
There, I said it. The idea of calling my ambitions delusional feels deeply uncomfortable to me. That I need to strive for delusion gives me a deep down ick. I think part of this is because of the actual definition of the word delusional which is:
Delusional - adjective
Characterized by or holding false beliefs or judgements about external reality that are held despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, typically as a symptom of a mental condition.
Based on or having faulty judgement; mistaken.
I do not want to be wrong, false or mistaken about the life I intend to lead. I don’t want to call my ambitions delusional because to me they feel so bloody possible. That’s the whole point. Yes, I have huge dreams, they are scary, they are a lot, but they are not delusional! Somewhere someone is living my dream life. I get to be that person. Do not tell me what I can and can’t do. What is or is not possible to me.
To me, being called delusional feels like an attack. I only call my dreams delusional in my darkest moments. Moments when I’m lacking in hope, when I am tired or under-resourced, then I will call myself delusional. Maybe the idea that it’s okay to be delusional about the life I want gives me some comfort in those moments. But most of the time? Telling me to be more delusional suggests I need to dream bigger. It tells me that my (already pretty big ambitious dreams) are not enough because I believe they are possible.
I think what I need is not more belief but more actions. More ways to bring my ambitions and the life I desire into the present moment so that I get to feel successful now. I want to think about those little touches, the habits, that will help me to romanticise my life as it is.
I long for the spritz of perfume that makes me feel glamourous.
The bath with fancy bath salts in it that smells amazing.
The luxury of a nice calming shower before I get dressed in the morning.
A cup of hot chocolate outside in the fresh air.
The satisfaction of finishing a painting that I like.
Having artworks and imagery on my walls that make me smile.
Right now I want to take my big ideas and turn them into little moments of magic that all add up to a life that feels so good to me that I can’t help but be delighted by it. I desperately want to stop trying to work out what I want my big picture to look like and find out what makes me happy in the small moments. I want to be able to ground myself and take action. To know that I am making tangible progress towards my dreams that are grounded in reality.
I am fiercely ambitious. I am working towards some huge goals. But delusions have no place here. Instead what I strive for is a grounded presence. A sense of success in my everyday life. Little moments that delight me. That’s my act of rebellion for today.
I’d love to know what you think and feel in the comments? Do you feel you need to dream bigger and be more delusional? More ambitious? Or are you like me and craving the smaller more intimate moments of bringing that feeling of success into your everyday life? Maybe you’re looking for that magical third option that I haven’t even considered? I’d love to hear from you, let’s chat!
Whatever you want, I hope you find ways to get it and give it to yourself.
Sending love x
Just in case you’re new around here… Hey! I’m Amy and I’m an abstract artist who is learning to take myself more seriously, cultivating a regular painting practice and sharing that journey with you in my weekly posts. I would love to have you along for the ride!
Also, here are a few other articles from my back catalogue I think you might love.
When I first read the title Amy, I felt attacked. Often times I do feel delusional, because honestly, the artists in my real-life environment have not made it to a degree I would like for myself. It's not that I don't like what they make, it's just not my level of ambitions. I know they work hard, but it makes my ambitions feel delusional.
But after reading your thoughts on this, it confirmed me that I'm going in the right direction. That at least I'm taking more actions than I have before. So now, I just have to play the long game.
Thanks for writing this, and also, Tilly looks so cute :)